Honestly honesty? Honestly.

So I read this article about a man who decided to tell his wife the truth for a year.  Now, having never been married, I must say that this sounds like  difficult proposition.  I have been in several relationships and the little white lie is something that is paramount.  

"Does this dress make me look fat?"  When ever you hear that question you really only have one answer, "No honey, you look great!"  But this guy was actually honest.  According to the article it made his wife feel better and he found that the fear of the other's response was usually worse than the actual thing.  His wife also felt that it was a nice change.  Though she was not particularly thrilled at some of the things he said, she appreciated his honesty and is happier in her relationship now than ever.

This made me think about something I have had on my mind for a while now: when should one be honest and when should someone lie?

I feel that this is a question that has plagued people for ever.  There are times when telling someone the truth would only make you feel better, but hurt the other person.  You feel great for having the weight off of your shoulders and you feel as if you have done the right thing by exposing the truth, but, like with most things in life, it isn't that simple.  What ever you have unearthed was buried for a reason.  There are parties that would be hurt by the telling of the truth, for sure.  So the question then becomes is one person's clean conscience worth the unhappiness of an unknown number of others?  Or to put it another way: should one lie, if lying maintains the most overall happiness?

I was recently placed in the position of keeping a secret (some may call it lying by omission, I feel it falls into a grey area, but in this case it was blatant lying) from someone I'm close with, whom I trust and share everything with: my confidant, of sorts.  What I was going to do would have upset this person, so I chose not to tell them, because it made more sense, to me, that they remain happy not knowing what I was doing.  Of course, as karma and these things go, this person found out and it wasn't until later that I found out how upset my lie really made them.  As the article said, it wasn't so much what I was doing, but more the fact that I chose to keep it a secret that hurt my friend.  I have since decided that if I can't tell my confidant things then what the hell am I doing at all, so I have endeavored to be more truthful with them, but the thought still lingers with me of whether the overall level of happiness would have remained if my friend hadn't found out.

I, personally, prefer to keep things very close to the chest.  I try not to wear my heart too far out on my sleeve and I usually keep things private.  I will usually tell anyone anything, but there are things I need for me.  Certain things that know one will know because I'm just a private person.  Some of these things are secrets and trusts that I have picked up throughout the years and some weigh on me, but for the most part I hold them out of sight and out of mind.

Between this event, my past, and reading this article I have had to reevaluate my feelings on the truth and what should and shouldn't be kept a secret and what the purposes of secrets are in general.  The definition of secret describes what a secret is, but not why a secret is.  This is where the disconnect is for many people.  

For some, there should be no secrets and life should be open and free.  But then again, some things are secret such that others my benefit from not having that secret or the events that are being considered secret known to them.  But who decides what should be secret and what shouldn't?  Should the wife of the cheating husband be told about what is going on or should she be kept in the dark?  Should a friend know about your plans for the weekend of would them be kept in the dark because you were told specifically not to invite them?  Do you tell your wife she looks fat in the dress or tell her it looks just fine?

One of the things the article impresses upon the reader is making sure you word the truth correctly: a qualifier of sorts.  So do you tell the wife of the cheating husband that he is cheating on her, but also say the truth that he still loves her and cares about her and the kids and would never leave her?  Do you tell you your friend your plans, but say that if you could invite them you would and that you wish that they could be there?  Do you tell your wife the dress makes her look fat, but also tell her the truth that you like that look on her?

This is where I have to smile about the several shades of grey that make up the life we all live.  In the end it comes down to personal preference.  The article shows one example of the truth system working.  I have seen the truth system fail and i have seen lying work in order to make every party happier than they would be if the truth were to be known.

I will lie in the future.  I am human and have no problem admitting this, but I will also try to be more truthful.  No one can live at either extreme.  Unless a happy medium is found people will be upset by trying to maintain unreal standards for themselves.  

So friends, if and when you can, tell the truth.  Your life will probably be better for it.  And when you can't?  Make sure you bury that secret so it never comes to light!

Happy living folks! :)