I didn't do anything today. I set up a new email account for dealing with job applications and sent my resume to a friend's father to give me feedback about it so I could apply with the best foot forward.
And watched several hours of netflix.
I am mildly ashamed, but the fact that I'm not more ashamed just shows me how easy it was to do and how much easier life would be if I just said fuck it and watch movies all day long.
It's weird. I could say that I feel unmotivated, but it is more than that. It's as if every time I sit down at my computer to work or do something productive in my job search I feel as if I've fallen in a vat of glue and the more I resist the urge to procrastinate the tighter and thicker the glue is and it becomes harder and harder to will myself to work.
I don't like to do things for myself. I don't care about letting me down. I've always done things, major things, because of someone else. The triathlon and the marathon I did for my friend Mags. Writing my thesis I did because my friend Amanda had a deadline and I promised her I'd make the same deadline. These things I've done I didn't do it because I wanted to do it for me, it was because I did it for other people. I shifted my motivation to them and I didn't want to let them down because they were my friends and I love them and wouldn't want to let them down.
That's what I'm missing: someone who I'm writing this thesis for. Someone I respect and love and don't want to let down ever because they mean that much to me. People like that are hard to come by, because you actually have to care.
I need to be doing it for someone. I have to find someone to do it for, cause god knows I don't give a shit about doing it for myself.
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