And what would you entitle self pity?

Tonight I went to a party and had fun. I gossiped with a friend about friends (which was the highlight of the night) and I had my house mate talk about how he was going to get belligerently drunk (speaking of which, I don't know where he is...). Everything was going well until my ex-girlfriend showed up.

So. a little background. My ex and I had broken up over Thanksgiving (not a lot of thanks to give that weekend) and didn't talk again until mid-April. Things were fine: I thought she hated my guts and we never saw each other. Simple enough, right? But then I wanted to patch things up and asked her to coffee. That's when things change-ed.

At coffee everything felt normal...comfortable even...almost as if we had never broken up. It was at this point when the hateful lover known as "regret" showed up. Regret...so easy to bed, but never ever the satisfying partner you are looking for. The drink that is always lacking in sweetness, alcohol, and volume, but never in bitterness.

It was here where I began to question my decision of breaking up with my ex: were things really that bad 5 months ago? Could we have gotten through it? How would things be now if I had held on a little longer? Committed a little bit more?

I'll never know, but this is how I have felt since we had coffee. To be honest to the audience, I usually feel this way when I have had a little bit to drink (or, like tonight, when I have a lot a bit to drink) and run into my ex and realize what I don't have anymore.

So, I ran into my ex. And she was wearing the dress she had first modeled for my mom and I in the fall and that she wore to Halloween to complement my costume. Not critical, but she looked great. And we chatted/flirted as if things had never changed, but the change that was very real was that when she walked away she walked away. When I left..I left alone.

I guess I had gotten used to my ex-girlfriends not talking to me post break-up and making moving on easier, but this most recent on has really thrown me.

Never have I had to face "what could have been" so bluntly before. Now, of course there are reasons we broke up. Though we get along as friends, there are in fact deeper levels where we are incompatible (my sunny outlook on life and her depression for one of many). But the fact remains that hind sight is 20/20 and the glasses are ALWAYS rosy.

As my best friend pointed out to me tonight and (I am sure) will keep pointing out to me, there were reasons that I felt the relationship should end and they weren't wrong. But I can't help but feeling that I might have made a mistake and that the rough spot we were going through could have been worked through.

Ok, self pity over.

Goodnight!